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Dimwit
"Why pay less?"
—Dimwit Flathead

Lord Dimwit Flathead the Excessive ruled the Great Underground Empire from 770 GUE to 789 GUE as the seventh king of the Flathead Dynasty.

BiographyEdit

Born in 723 GUE, Dimmie was Mumberthrax's firstborn and great-great-great-great-grandson of King Duncanthrax. He grew up as heir to the throne of Quendor which means tad spoiled, fond of torturing his nannies in the Egreth Castle dungeon.[1]

He was very fond of his youngest brother, Babe Flathead. He would bail him out of jail after each o his frequent infractions.[1]

Dimwit spent most of his early adulthood vacationing (with 40,000 attendants) in the sparsely populated Eastlands across the Great Sea. Since he despised the outdoors, and hated the rain (it puddled embarrassingly on his level pate) he was interested by the underground caverns in those areas.[1]

Around 750 GUE the Wizard of Frobozz tried to cast a spell but was unable to utter a spell that did not start with the letter F ("Fudge") and accidentally turned Flathead's castle into a mountain of fudge resulting to his exile.

RuleEdit

""the single worst ruler the Empire ever produced.""
The Great Underground Empire: A History, by Froboz Mumbar
Dimwit

Dimwit succeded his father in 770 GUE and began his reign which Boswell Barwell described as "vibrant".[1]

Lord Dimwit inherited the ambition and ingratiating personality of his ancestor, Duncanthrax the Bellicose, although he did not focus his power in productive fashion, such as expanding his empire, but rather to realize his bizarre whims. His vanity was surpassed only by his outrageous sense of proportion. For example, his coronation took 13 years to plan (and therefore spent 2/3 of the way through his reign), lasted 1.5 years more, and cost 12 times the Empire's GNP. This incredible ceremony quickly earned him the nickname Lord Dimwit Flathead the Excessive.[1]

He moved the capital of Quendor from Egreth in the Westlands to the small village Aragain in the Eastlands (14 Jam 771 GUE). This change made Aragai, renamed to Flatheadia. He also renamed the Great Sea as Flathead Ocean. Dimwit also decreed that Quendor be called "The Great Underground Empire." The Flatheadia Castle covered 8600 square bloits, and housed, at one time, over 90% of the empire's population. Critical historians described the castle as his biggest folly.[1]

When the Endless Fire of 773 GUE destroyed Mareilon, Dimwit issued over the following few weeks a series of 5,521 edicts severely limiting access to magic, and, incidentally, lawyers. These edicts resulted in the blossoming of the highly successful institutions of the Guilds of Enchanters.

Another of Dimwit's accomplishments was the creation of the Royal Museum to house the crown jewels. Originally planned to build the museum under 2 miles of mountain, and surround it with 500 feet of steel. This rare moment of self-control was probably due in some part to the sound advice of one of his chief advisors, Lord Feepness (his other advisor, Delbor of Gurth, was probably too frightened to give his opinion in the matter). It was built in 776 GUE and dedicated the next year. It had incredibly tight security that actually showed restraint on the part of the king.

More of his excessiveness came in 783 GUE when, on a whim, he ordered the erection of Flood Control Dam #3, a magnificent underground project although useless (it never rains underground) and costly (37 million zorkmids).[1]

His incredible projects were contracted to FrobozzCo International (whose chairman was Dimwit's brother, John D. Flathead). Hundreds of new subsidiaries were formed daily. Lord Dimwit gave all of his underground projects to the Frobozz Magic Cave Company. Another project was his plan to quench and then hollow out a mighty volcano near Flatheadia and personally reviewed the plans at each stage. Another project was the huge granola smelters built near the Antharian Granola Mines of Plumbat, the Flathead Staduium, the sandbox-turned-Great Underground Desert complete with an artificial sun, the Great Underground Savannah as well as the Great Underground Mountain, which, originally was envisioned as a private mountain range.

DemiseEdit

Statue
In 789 Dimwit ordered the defoliation of 1400 square bloits of lush forest in the Fublio Valley to erect a nine-bloit-high statue of himself[1], lending credence to the Royal motto, A truly great ruler is larger than life.

The matter came to a head at a banquet thrown by Dimwit to celebrate his new statue, a minor affair that used 300 dragons to feed a few thousand guests. Wishing to have a dedication for his statue, he suggested giving everyone in the Kingdom a year off, and inviting them to Fublio Valley. The second main topic of discussion at the banquet was Dimwit's idea for a new continent in the center of the Flathead Ocean, forming a gigantic reproduction of his own visage. The empire simply did not have enough money to build it, and Lord Feepness pointed out that raising the tax rate from 98% to 100% simply would not be a wise political move. Lord Dimwit, never satisfied, proposed adopting everyone in the Kingdom and telling them that he'd cut off their allowances.[2]

Just at that moment, the great mage Megaboz appeared furious at the statue darkening his home of Fublio Valley. He cursed Dimwit's life, family, and Empire. In only a few moments, Lord Dimwit and his eleven siblings came to a sudden death, thus ending one of the most colorful chapters in the history of Quendor.

LegacyEdit

The court magicians were able to postpone the other effects of Megaboz's Curse for quite some time. He was succeeded by Loowit Flathead.

The rulers following Dimwit did their best to uphold his tradition of excessiveness. The high level of taxation continued, although the money was increasingly spent not on massive construction projects but on extravagant parties and long vacation trips for members of the Royal Family.

On 14 Mumberbur 883 GUE, in the reign of Wurb Flathead, the Empire came to an end. Flatheadia was destroyed, and the age of the Flathead Dynasty was over.

PoliticsEdit

Chart3

According to pie charts of the year 780 GUE, the Empire's fiscal priorities under Dimwit were distributed as follows:

CharacterEdit

  • His birthday was observed every Birthday of the week, and everyone in the kingdom was required to give the king a present. Even after his death, it was thenceforth associated with big sales at U-Mart and J.C. Zorkmids.
  • Dimwit developed an incredible urge for rare Chocolate Truffles and odd candies. He ordered the excavation of entire forests where the truffles grew and commissioned the Frobozz Magic Candy Company to make him candied grasshoppers, chocolate ants, and worms glacee.
  • Dimwit kept a kennel full of royal bloodhounds of immense size.
  • He had a magical life-size chess set that could be accessed by donning a magic robe.
  • He used a vault under the Flatheadia Castle to store his trifles. His actual valuables were stored in a hidden vault 7 miles under the Flathead Mountains accessible by a chain of 63 secret teleport spells.

ReferencesEdit

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 1.7 Flathead Calendar
  2. Zork Zero
Preceded by:
Mumberthrax Flathead
Flathead Dynasty
770 GUE - 789 GUE
Followed by:
Loowit Flathead

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